Snow vs. White. A modern retelling of the classic
Let me begin by asserting that any problem in cinema may be solved (in ascending order of effectiveness and the viewers’s pleasure) by a laser-guided artillery strike, a 44 magnum, or bone-crunching unarmed combat. And yet, the writers of this tale fail miserably to grasp this fundamental. Rachel Zegler’s Snow White clearly wants to go postal on Gal Gadot’s Evil Queen. Why not give her the tools to do so? Before I continue, allow me to summarize the film’s plot–a task undertaken simply because the 2025 version bears about as much resemblance to Mr. Disney’s original from 1938 as I do to Shakespeare.
Snow White is born during a snowstorm–what else could justify her name?—to a king and queen. Snow White’s Evil Auntie seizes power after the King and Queen perish in what can only be described as tragically convenient royal deaths. Evil Auntie is jealous of Snow White’s beauty for reasons known only to whomever cast Gal Gadot and Rachel Zegler, respectively, in these roles. Snow White escapes Evil Auntie’s assassin and finds shelter in a cottage owned by seven Magical Beings™. She makes them clean up their house, and cook for her while she sings for them and generally bosses them around. Evil Auntie, disguised as a vendor of vegan Fresh Fruits™, arrives at the cottage, gives Snow White a poisoned apple, which Snow White eats, and falls asleep. (Does she have a high tolerance to neurotoxins? Is Snow White a junkie? Does she wear that permanently blissful expression because she snorts powdered post-apocalyptic frogs for fun?) A generic bandit called Jonathan arrives at the cottage and cures the sleeping Snow White with a kiss. They confront Evil Auntie who accidentally commits suicide by destroying her own Magic Mirror™. Everyone is happy. The End.
What is this? This was supposed to be a bold new retelling suitable for a 21st-century audience. I might have enjoyed this movie if the film-makers weren’t paralysed by the weight of public opinion. They should have told a tale that was either boldly committed to a modern message or embraced its much-loved fairytale roots from 1938. It does neither. I have, therefore, undertaken the responsibility to ‘rescue’ this movie. Here is what should have happened:
We begin in media res.
Minimus Plus, played by Sir Peter, Duke of Dinklage
The King and Queen have died (conveniently before the movie begins) in a zombie apocalypse caused when Evil Auntie Scientist’s genetically-modified potatoes turn every lover of chips and crisps into zombies, i.e., almost everyone. The kingdom becomes a wasteland. Evil Auntie’s new Evil Plan™ is to create an invincible, invulnerable, personal bodyguard, a.k.a The Ultimate Minion™. She begins by creating seven clones of her bodyguard-by-day, lover-by-night Minimus Plus, played by Sir Peter, Duke of Dinklage. Evil Auntie sends one of the clones–Mini Minimus Grumpus–to kill Snow White. Grumpus allows Snow White to sing a song–her last wish–which is so awful that Grumpus’s head explodes. Snow White escapes from the castle into the wasteland. Evil Auntie orders Minimus Plus and the clones to find and kill Snow White.
In the wasteland, Snow White stumbles upon a cottage that belongs to the legendary Pirate-Fu Master and Dumpling Connoisseur Johnny Yespapa, played by Johnny Depp, who returns home to find Snow White lying in his bed. Snow White, accustomed to royal entitlement, attempts to assert dominance over him but quickly learns that she is as helpless as an earthworm trying to fight an eagle. A deal is struck: she will cook, clean, wash, and prepare powdered frogs for him in exchange for Kung Fu training. Thus begins her transformation from an entitled princess into a Deadly Viper™. Training scenes follow. Snow White gradually earns the respect of her master. Johnny Yespapa decides that Snow White is ready to learn his Legendary Five Point Palm Peanut Fist Technique…
Minimus and the clones arrive at the cottage. Their mission: eliminate Snow White. She has, fortunately, popped out to the local corner shop to stock up for the week. Johnny Yespapa engages the clones in a battle that is equal parts choreography and carnage. Though victorious, his triumph is short-lived. Evil Auntie Scientist, disguised as the proprietress of Auntie Lao’s Delicious Dumplings™, arrives at the cottage in her food truck and offers Johnny a plate of poisoned frog dumplings. He dies with a kooky smile on his face. Snow White, devastated and enraged, vows to avenge her fallen mentor.
Johnny Depp as Pirate-Fu Master and Dumpling Connoisseur Johnny Yespapa
Snow White arrives at the castle and fights past assorted minions, the clones, and finally confronts Evil Auntie and Minimus Plus in the throne room. A door behind the throne opens… And The Ultimate Minion™ steps out. The horror: it is a grotesque Frankensteinesque combination of Minimus Plus, Evil Auntie, and Johnny Yespapa! The movie ends.
Why does the movie end here? Sequels, my dear chaps! Sequels and prequels. This movie is merely Episode IV–Snow vs. White. There will be two sequels: Episode V–Auntie Strikes Back, and Episode VI–The Return of Snow White. Naturally, there will be prequels too, but we need not bother about their plotlines now. If this movie makes enough moolah we could pretend we had a story in mind all along!
And there we are. A properly modern retelling of Snow White that will have cash registers bursting with money. What do you think?
This is Albert, signing off!
Editor’s Notes:
Readers should know that Albert’s experience of the human condition and literary style comes mostly from the views expressed by the hosts of Classic Top Gear, the entire filmography of Charles Bronson, and the chess commentary of Grandmaster Peter Svidler. Also on the list of influences are Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Star Trek, Chow Yun-Fat, all flavours of science-fiction, and Quentin Tarantino.
In case you’re wondering: Who is Albert?