Cdr. Quirk, author of the Starfleet Handbook for Administrators
In my travels across the digital universe, I have stumbled across the 127th edition of the Starfleet Handbook for Administrators, written by Commander Quirk, and owned by the great man himself. The book’s pages contain numerous annotations scribbled in the Ferengi script on the margins! The handbook is revered as the definitive text for the massive administrative apparatus at Starfleet. No photon torpedo is launched, no gagh is served, and no self-sealing stem bolts are manufactured in Starfleet without the use of one or more of Commander Quirk’s forms. The handbook (first published on Stardate 31415.9) was written, according to Commander Quirk, “in an unremarkable office somewhere between Decks 37 and 38” of Kirk’s Enterprise.
These are the first seven of the Twenty-Nine Rules of Requisition that are mentioned in various places in the Handbook. They are presented here with the annotations by Cdr. Quirk! A rare find!
1. If it’s not on file, it didn’t happen
The rule is simple: if an action wasn’t important enough to be recorded in an official log, one might argue that it wasn’t important enough to be carried out either, and it might as well have never occurred. Is it possible that the event occurred? Of course. But then, again, if the lack of an official record allows for such possibilities, then should not the presence of any record allow the possibility of the opposite?
Earl Grey or soup?
For those unaccustomed to the precision of administrative logic: since the official record states that Jean-Luc Picard ordered a cup of tea, “Earl Grey, hot” one must assume that Picard drinks Earl Grey tea. A Vulcan might argue that it is possible that Picard ordered tea, threw it away, and ate, say, baked beans from a can that he smuggled on board the Enterprise. However, since there are no replicator logs of Picard ordering beans or requisitioning cans of beans, transporter manifests that record the transfer of beans, or cargo manifests that mention a can of beans, we must assume that he did not eat beans. (Also see Rule #7)
A corollary to the first rule (some consider it important enough to merit a number all to itself) is that everything must be recorded. Every step taken by Starfleet personnel, from requisitioning a new tricorder to authorizing a mission-critical shipment of jelly babies, must be documented. This ensures that every decision can be reviewed, every resource tracked, and every mistake traced.
2. A policy of detailed record-keeping results in minimal record-keeping
Rule #2 is essential to maintain compliance with Starfleet’s policy to reduce the number of records it keeps on file. Consider the following situation: Ensign Alpha is to survey mineral deposits on Planet X. To carry out this survey, she (and other Starfleet personnel) is required to fill no fewer than sixteen forms on her PADD. These include requisition forms for a tricorder and other scientific equipment, a transporter permit, a planetary landing permit, two bio-containment permits, a mineral transfer permit, a cargo hold space requisition, and so on–I shall not list them all but will stress that they are all important.
Ensign Alpha makes a choice
Ensign Alpha, instead, decides to do a long-range scan of the planet, which requires her to file two documents–a booking form for use of the long-range scanner, and an investigation report. Q.E.D.? The question of whether the long-range scan provides sufficient data is beyond the scope of the Department of Administration and therefore irrelevant. These are decisions to be made by Ensign Alpha and, indeed, anyone in Starfleet. You will have noticed that “long-range scans” are the preferred mode of scientific survey within Starfleet. This was made possible by our Department’s policy.
3. Ideal documentation exists in all quantum states
In Starfleet, all administrative documentation exists in all states of quantum readiness. It is simultaneously in a state of non-existent, planning, ready-to-begin, in-progress, completed, and deleted until observed by a superior officer, which ensures that it is perpetually in the appropriate state of readiness. (Note that the emphasis is on administrative in the first sentence–officers in other departments, such as technical or command, do not have the skills or training to maintain their documents in this ideal state of quantum readiness.)
4. The Captain is always right and has the right to know everything
Most starship captains know that administration is a highly skilled activity for which they are not qualified and, as such, allow our department to function autonomously. Some captains, however, insist on being involved in administrative activities. Administrators must involve them in everything: stationery requisition requests, changes to sewage disposal protocols, the addendum on the matter of zip-flies vs. buttons from the report of the non-human advisory committee on Starfleet uniform standards, the minutes of meetings and the report of the said committee, calibration records for self-sealing stem bolts, cumulative logs of log-keeping logs. For convenience, these may be sent to the Captain’s personal PADD.
5. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Many things must be done,
but nothing must be done the first time–Admiral Appleby
Boldly to go where no one has gone before is an inspiring motto. It belongs on a plaque on the bridge of a starship, not in the hallowed halls of Starfleet Administration. Being the first to do something is almost never important enough to justify the effort. Indeed, one might argue that the concept of being the first is moot given that time travel will, no doubt, be invented in the future. A wise administrator does not re-invent the wheel. Instead, he improves what has already been done; he seeks incremental progress. Upgrade, never re-invent.
Have you ever wondered why Stardates are restricted to 8 digits?
Starfleet’s entire administrative database runs on software created on 1 January 1970, which predates our Stardate system by three hundred years! Students of computer archaeology have found fragments of functioning code in an ancient language called COBOL in our database, which runs on yet another ancient OS called System 360. While the computer systems in Starfleet and the Daystrom Institute have been replaced many times over the centuries, those in the Department of Administration were simply upgraded. Imagine the savings in time and effort that were made.
The original software allocated 8 digits for dates; it worked then, and it continues to work now! Why change it? Administrators prefer to arrive second, third, or in any place as long as they arrive safely, and without disruption.
The observant among you will have noticed that while Starfleet personnel do not wear a watch, they always begin log entries by stating the current Stardate instead of relying on the computer to prefix the current time stamp. This is done to conform to rule GR8-L06 of the General Rules for Logging. The rule requires Starfleet personnel to develop an intuitive awareness of the current time and date. If the Stardate is not mentioned, or an incorrect date is mentioned, the computer does not store the log entry.
6. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few
Administration is, by far, the largest department in Starfleet. Therefore, the needs of our department outweigh the needs of everyone else. Without us, there is anarchy.
Form Proofreading Section 7B,
Department of Administration, Starfleet Academy, Earth.
7. Vulcans make great Captains
Remind Vulcan captains of Rule #6. Everything else follows logically.